Just like the last eleven days, Civetta sits in front of me.

  Only this time, it’s not to answer my questions.

  She wishes to, as she put it, ‘fill in the blanks’. “Alright, so let’s just go through the whole thing in standard order. Sound good?”

  I nod.

  So does she. “First up is race. We settled that last week, so we can skip it.”

  I nod.

  [ RACE CONFIRMED ]

  “See that? Progress already, and we haven’t really even started. Now, let’s move right on to appearance.”

  Civetta eventually breaks the ensuing silence. “So… Is there anything about your appearance you want to change?”

  I nod. “No.”

  “Really? Because you can. I wasn’t being hypothetical. Or do you mean you’re satisfied with how you look?”

  “No.”

  “But you don’t want to change?”

  “No.”

  Someone else pipes in from off to the side. “I don’t think he has a baseline for physical appearance.”

  Civetta addresses the new voice. “B-Oneshot, go away. How did you even get here?”

  Oneshot shrugs. “Teleported.”

  “Don’t know why I asked… You’re not supposed to do that, you know.”

  “Correction… I’m not supposed to ‘be able’ to do that. There’s no rule against actually doing it.”

  “There would be if it wasn’t supposed to be impossible.”

  “You gonna turn me in, then?”

  Civetta’s mouth becomes a line. “Obviously not.”

  “If you guys just nutted up and nerfed me, this wouldn’t be a problem.”

  “I’m aware.”

  “So you wanna make him hot or what?”

  Civetta sputters at my unprofessional interference with her job. “Come again?”

  “Don’t mind if I-”

  “Stop.” She makes a clear effort to straighten herself out. “Please elaborate… Hero.”

  Oneshot chuckles. “Oooh, busting out the H-word now? Well then, Administrator, PEN here has no grasp of human attraction. Let alone an ideal body type.”

  “Yes, I know. So what?”

  “So… You should make him hot.”

  “You want him to look like you, then?”

  Oneshot rolls his eyes. “That works too. But I was thinking more along the lines of Finn. Wasn’t he an amalgamation of guys teenage girls wanted to fuck or whatever?”

  “Don’t you think PEN should get a say in this?”

  “Sure. Hey, PEN… Do you care one way or another?”

  I nod in surprise at the sound waves suddenly directed at me.

  Surprise complete, I nod at their meaning. “No.”

  Oneshot’s sound waves are now directed at Civetta once more. “See?”

  Civetta grumbles. “Fine… If it’ll get you to shut up, then fine.”

  “Of course it will… About this.”

  “Whatever.” At that, Civetta goes through and makes a lot of apparently specific, seemingly random adjustments to sliders in my sprawling system window labeled ‘Appearance’. “Is that better?”

  I don’t understand the question, but I do know my answer. “No.”

  Civetta turns to oneshot. “See?”

  Oneshot turns to me. “Is it worse?”

  “No.”

  He turns back to Civetta. “See?”

  Civetta turns sighingly back to me “Do you wish to confirm this appearance?”

  I’m not quite as sure about this answer, but it does edge out the other. “No.”

  Oneshot turns back to me as well. “Confirming means you don’t have to deal with this topic anymore.”

  I feel a distinct sense of alarm. “I wish to amend my previous answer to ‘yes’.”

  Civetta sighs.

  [ APPEARANCE CONFIRMED ]

  “Now for the big one… Oneshot, don’t you have something else to do?”

  Oneshot sighs in imitation of Civetta for some reason, followed by an answer to match my own. “No.”

  With a smile that looks to have been run over by whatever a train is, she sighs even louder, with superfluous exasperation added for increased efficacy. “That’s what I was afraid of… Whelp… Onto your CLASS and CRAFT then, I guess. We’ll do these one at a time. So for your CLASS, we have Support, Defense, and Attack Lanes to choose from. Of those, which do you like?”

  I don’t even have to think about it. “Support.”

  “Alright, and for Support’s available archetypes, there’s Healer, Buffer, Controller, Utility-”

  Again, I find my answer without needing to hear the rest. “Healer.”

  Civetta seems pleased. “Have a calling, do we? I’m glad we found it so fast. Now for your Specialty, we have-”

  That’s when Oneshot cuts in. “Hold on a sec.”

  Civetta is clearly annoyed. “Do you wanna be the Admin, then? And I could just sit here and backseat-drive this whole process?”

  “That would be lovely. I accept.”

  “Oh shut up.”

  A moment of silence passes before she lets out a much more naturally exasperated sigh than before. “Okay, what?”

  “Just… I think I see what’s going on here.” Oneshot turns to me. “Why did you choose Healer?”

  I am instantly confused. “It was the first choice.”

  Oneshot nods. “And why did you choose Support?”

  “It was the first choice.”

  Oneshot turns victoriously back to Civetta.

  Who folds her arms. “Oh, don’t give me that. How would you decide, then?”

  “Alright, how ’bout this? Was PEN here responsible for anything new being added to the Game?”

  She looks away from us both. “Maybe… I didn’t want to railroad his choices.”

  “I think we’ve established that he’s gonna be railroaded by whatever we say first. So how about we steer him towards something he’s bound to actually be good at? If worse comes to worse, I’ll help him get a CLASS Respec for something better.”

  “You’re really just going to volunteer your time away? Since when do you care that much about anyone but yourself?”

  “Ouch…”

  “Alright, yourself, and me, then.”

  This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

  “Since whenever I feel like, okay? What’s the stupid CLASS already?”

  “It would lock him into a Defense Lane.”

  She seems to wait for something before giving up and continuing. “Summoner archetype.”

  Another stretch of silence later, she elaborates. “Replication Specialty…”

  Oneshot looks at his wrist worriedly. “Come on, I don’t have all day.”

  Civetta sarcastically perks up. “Oh? Do you have somewhere to be, then?”

  “Let me rephrase… I have all day.”

  Civetta narrows her eyes before gradually moving her gaze back to me. “Your Subclass would be Dullahan.”

  She remains silent for an extended moment. “So? What do you think? Do you want to live the rest of your days as sentient armor? Does that sound good?”

  I know this answer instantly as well. “Yes.”

  Civetta groans over Oneshot’s laughter. “Why?”

  I nod. “It was the first option presented. Therefore, it was clearly the superior choice.”

  Civetta facepalms.

  Still chuckling, Oneshot presents me to her like whatever a trophy is. “See?”

  Civetta rounds on him. “Oh what do you mean ‘see’? What do you think you accomplished with that?”

  “Oh nothing… Except clear proof that PEN here doesn’t have an opinion on any of this, and the only way we’re about to get anywhere is to choose for him and then help out if he changes his mind. At least this way, he’ll have a CLASS that’s hard to respec into.”

  Civetta glares at him through the hand still covering her face. “Oh? You’re saying you couldn’t find a Dullahan Respec?”

  “What? Of course not.” Oneshot’s face goes serene. “With enough grinding, all things are possible.”

  He lowers his palms from one another. “But I could just give him the cash to go buy a respec for any of the default options from any number of System-run stores practically across the street. For what, I might add, might as well be free compared to what this whole thing has already cost me.”

  “Yeah, yeah, shut up for a sec.” Civetta turns back to me. “You’re sure you’re fine going the Dullahan route?”

  I nod. “Yes.”

  Civetta groans. “The fact that you’re so sure only makes me more worried… Fine, whatever, as you’ve already volunteered to help him with any Respec issues…”

  Oneshot flinches.

  [ C.L.A.S.S. CONFIRMED — LANE: DEFENSE — ARCHETYPE: SUMMONER — SPECIALTY: REPLICATION — SUBCLASS: DULLAHAN ]

  This feels… Different. Not necessarily unpleasant. But it is absolutely, positively distinct from anything I’ve ever felt as my body starts to hollow itself out.

  Civetta and Oneshot’s mouths are hanging open varying levels of whatever ‘horror’ and ‘fascination’ mean. However this looks from their perspectives, it’s clearly not among the things either expected to see today.

  Unfortunately, the only thing I can’t see is myself. I wonder if they can see me either as I belatedly remember that I don’t have armor.

  Oneshot whistles.

  Civetta tries to move on. “Now for your CRAFT… The roles are-”

  Hiding his distraction from learning what an armorless dullahan looks like, Oneshot immediately interrupts. “So what did he add CRAFTing-wise?”

  “Nothing. No options besides the defaults.”

  Oneshot blinks. “Oh…”

  Civetta turns back to me. “So for our Roles, we have-”

  But Oneshot’s not done. “Then if he doesn’t have a special CRAFT, and he’s going the dullahan route, it’s gotta be Armor Smithing, right? Or Accessories? Something with Equipment?”

  Civetta rounds on Oneshot, actually angry this time. “Now you’re just dictating his choices.”

  “No, I’m saying what’ll synergize the best with his CLASS. If he has that many active armor sets, he’s gonna need to be an armor crafter himself or he’s going to be perpetually broke. Hell, even I’d go broke trying to buy all that for him. I volunteered to help out, not donate all my money.”

  Civetta holds her hand up to Oneshot’s mouth. “Wait… What are you talking about?”

  Oneshot looks at her hand for an extended moment before biting her middle finger.

  She laughs.

  He laughs too. Some time later, he comes out of it. “Wait, what were we doing?”

  She looks into the middle distance. “I… Don’t know…”

  “Yeah…”

  “This is probably why we shouldn’t work together, huh?”

  “I never said I wanted to be in your department.”

  “Wait… You didn’t?”

  Oneshot freezes in place. “No…”

  “Oh, ok. I’m fine with it, then.”

  “…Seriously?”

  “Of course.”

  “Really? That’s it? Over half a century undermining my efforts and that was your whole problem?”

  “I mean we just enable each other all the time and I knew if we worked together, it’d get in the way of this sacred duty that I really do believe in and-”

  Oneshot flinches. “Oh my god I forgot PEN was here! Shit, we really shouldn’t work together, huh?”

  I cease not actively participating. “Hello.”

  Civetta jumps at the sudden voice from where I haven’t moved. “AAAH!!!”

  She has to stop to catch her breath.

  While she’s doing that, Oneshot seems to remember what he was talking about in the first place. “Right, so did you actually read the Skills he added?”

  Breath successfully caught, Civetta shakes her head. “No, there were just so many. With his unique background, I would’ve been surprised if the System didn’t find something new.”

  Oneshot nods. “Thaaat’s what I thought. There were eleven Skills. Eleven. And they aren’t different either. Well, one is. But the rest are just ten different tiers of the same Skill. Body Duplication.”

  Civetta splutters. “What?”

  Oneshot answers her indignation by not addressing it at all. “A Dullahan only gets one head. But he’s a Summoner, remember. One of the things a Dullahan can get the Skills to summon is a duplicate set of armor. Every piece except the helmet. All of that has to come from his Inventory and…”

  He blinks at something only he can see. “Actually, wow, I’m just reading this now. The max for that used to be 16 with Summon Armors 1 to 5. But thanks to PEN here, the new cap is twice that, for each of those ten new Body Duplication Skills he added. So… I don’t know who I need to talk to up here about adding a calculator to the HUD.”

  He takes out a small imperfect rectangle. “That’s 16 times 2 equals… Equals, equals, equals, equals, equals, equals, equals, equals… Times 8 pieces of Equipment, that’s… 131,072 of them he’ll have to keep track of.”

  “It should be seven without the head.”

  “The eighth is the Accessory.”

  “Oh…”

  He snorts at a face Civetta is apparently making. “So yeah… I think it’s safe to say that PEN is gonna have a constant need for armor. Unless you want him to go out like… That.”

  Civetta seems to want to make what she sees out to be acceptable. But she fails. And she knows it. “Yyyeeeaaahhh…”

  “So if he wants to go out in public, with multiple duplicates, he’s gonna need at least that many sets of armor appropriate to his level. You know how rare it is to find anything as good as whatever you already have equipped. So if he’s not smithing it himself, I don’t think even the eight royal families could finance his full potential.”

  “Okay, that’s nice and all, but what if he wants to be a baker?”

  Oneshot blinks. “I don’t know, let’s see… Hey PEN, what would you rather be? Not a baker? Or the very best baker ever?”

  I’m relieved at the easy question after such a complicated discussion. “Not a baker.”

  He nods. “Why?”

  I nod back. “It was the first option.”

  “Wonderful…” Oneshot does an even more exaggerated flourish into the same trophy presentation pose from before.

  Civetta grumbles. “Okay, fine…”

  She turns back to me. “Are you sure… About… Oh, nevermind.”

  [ C.R.A.F.T. CONFIRMED — ROLE: DEVELOPMENT — ART: SMITH — FORM: HEAVY ARMOR — TRADE: MEDIEVAL ]

  She folds her arms and glares at Oneshot. “Alright, smartass…”

  Oneshot blinks at her. “…What?”

  Civetta flails in exaggerated indignation. “Oh, don’t you have his whole future planned out? Come on. What’re his STATs gonna be?”

  “What’re you talking about? Can’t you just leave those unspent for now?”

  Civetta just freezes mid-hand-wavey gesticulation. “I… Guess so? Yeah?”

  Oneshot shrugs. “Then let’s do that.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah, I mean… A Hero has to have a CLASS and a CRAFT. But the points can wait until he decides where to put them. Even if he just picks the first option for everything, that, at least, can be entirely his decision.”

  Civetta relaxes. “Wow… Surprisingly accommodating of you.”

  “What? When have I ever not been accommodating?”

  The Admin then goes into what looks like the footage she showed me last week of an epileptic seizure. Except she’s standing. And there’s no mouth-foam. Really, it’s just the involuntary shaking and eye movement.

  Eventually calming down, she takes a moment to gather herself.

  [ S.T.A.T.S CONFIRMED ]

  After her episode, Civetta just sits there. “So..?”

  Oneshot just sits there right back. “What?”

  “We’re done. You can leave.”

  “What? No name?”

  “He has one… Technically. Anyway, Admins can’t change the name of a Hero. Not ever. Global policy. That’s why they had you do it yourself way back when, remember?”

  “So, he’s stuck as ‘Please Enter Name’ forever?”

  “What? No. This is Heaven. You can change your name.”

  She screws up her face and her sound waves become far more of whatever ‘nasally’ signifies. “At any number of System-run stores practically across the street. For what, I might add, might as well be free compared to what this whole thing has already cost you.”

  Oneshot balks. “Seriously?”

  Civetta just stares at him. “How do you not know that?”

  “You saw me set my name. There was a special prompt and everything. And I was making a point. What, am I gonna talk all that shit and then just go and change it? No. Not in a million years. So why would I know it’s an option?”

  “So defensive…”

  “Oh, shut up. I teleported here for something else, anyway.”

  “You weren’t just here to tell me how to do my job?”

  “No, of course not. I didn’t even know you were doing this today. I just have opinions. But that shouldn’t surprise anyone.”

  I raise a hollowl arm. “I am surprised.”

  Oneshot looks at me for a moment, and then back to Civetta. “Bad example.”

  Civetta rolls her eyes. “Okay… why are you here, then?”

  Oneshot alternately hugs, kisses and squeezes Civetta.

  She reciprocates while generally sinking into the embrace.

  Eventually, they release each other and Oneshot backs up. “That was it. Just wanted to say ‘hi’. See you at home.”

  He turns back to me. “See ya, PEN.”

  Then he teleports away before either of us can say another word.