Chapter Thirty-Seven
After dinner, the two of us quietly drank a cup of tea. I said: "At first, I met the prince!" He put down his teacup and listened carefully. I felt a bit embarrassed, my eyes fixed on the teacup, saying: "He has some suspicions about you and me." After listening, he smiled and said: "What's there to suspect? Let him be suspicious! I didn't plan to hide it from him anyway. In any case, we'll be returning to Beijing soon, and after that, our matters will be settled. He's just wary of your current relationship with the emperor, after all, sometimes if you're willing to say a word, it can save us a lot of trouble guessing what the emperor means."
I stared at the teacup in my hand, furrowing my brow, and didn't speak. He stood up and pulled me up too. I was distractedly grinding ink on the side, while he quietly wrote words. Because Kangxi had always complained that his handwriting was too soft and not strong enough, often saying that he should practice more. But I think he wasn't very serious about it either, most of the time it was just a way to calm his mind.
He finished writing one sheet, but didn't continue. He just stared at the paper in deep thought, motionless for a long time. I couldn't help but curiously lean over to take a look:
Yin Taiji, Governor of Sichuan and Shaanxi provinces
Governor-General of Jiangnan and Jiangxi
Jiang Qi, Gansu Provincial Military Commander
Shi Yide, Governor of Jiangnan.
Pan Yulong, General of Pacifying the Town
Nian Gengyao was the Governor of Sichuan Province.
It's nothing to see other people's names, after all, I couldn't figure out the relationships between these people. But when I saw "Yen Chongyao", I involuntarily whispered: "Yen Chongyao". The Eighth Prince turned his head and looked at me with a dazed expression on my face, stretched out his hand and pulled me into his arms, sitting me on his lap, resting his head on my shoulder in silence for a while, then asked softly: "Why are you always so concerned about Lao Si's affairs?"
My heart was racing, and I quickly thought of an excuse while responding: "It's probably because of the 13th prince! You also know that he and I have always gotten along well, so I paid a bit more attention to the 4th prince's affairs." I don't know if he believed me or not, but I couldn't think of a better excuse.
He didn't speak, I quickly changed the subject and asked: "Is this the emperor's recent official appointment?" He said: "Yes, but Nian Gengyao's appointment order has not been issued yet! It's probably going to have to wait until we return to Beijing." I asked: "Is this transfer beneficial or detrimental to you now?" He chuckled twice and said: "Neither good nor bad! Luckily, the 14th brother arrived in time, otherwise it wouldn't be on this list now." I endured for a while, but still couldn't hold back, feeling that my heart was not guilty, and hurriedly wanted to hide. So I asked: "Is Nian Gengyao's appointment good or bad for you?"
He didn't answer immediately after hearing me, but instead held me tightly. After a while, he smiled and said: "If you hadn't asked, I'm afraid I wouldn't have been able to sleep well tonight. Now that you've asked, I feel at ease." I gave him a sideways glance without saying anything.
He smiled and said, "But he's just a lowly servant, now talking about good or bad is still giving him too much credit! It's just to give the Fourth Prince some sweetness, on one hand to follow the Emperor's intention, on the other hand we can also get along. After all, this time he helped us a lot in the capital." I slightly furrowed my brow, staring at Nian Gengyao's name without speaking, thinking in my heart, did the Fourth Prince really help you?
The Eighth Prince smiled and said, "What are you thinking about? But I do want to know, you've never been interested in these things before, how did you come to know about Nian Gengyao?" I sighed inwardly, how could I not know about this great general who had risen and fallen in life? However, it's true that I didn't understand his reasoning at the moment. With a humble background and low official rank, he wasn't even ranked among the top officials in the Forbidden City yet! So I continued to borrow from the Thirteenth Prince. Smiling back, I said, "I've heard the Thirteenth Prince mention him several times, praising him as 'intelligent, open-minded, eloquent, skilled in writing, and extremely capable'." The Eighth Prince nodded slightly with a smile and sighed, "Given his background, he rose to become the Governor of Sichuan in less than 10 years. Of course, he had the help of the Fourth Prince, but he indeed gave the Fourth Prince face." After finishing speaking, he smiled again and said, "It's a pity that your mother kept all your brothers by her side! If not, with just a bit of your cleverness and diligence, the Emperor would have valued you even more. I wouldn't need to be envious of the Fourth Prince here."
As soon as I heard it, I felt a few threads of discontent in my heart. He was comparing me to the Fourth Prince's little wife, Nian Shi. I had been trying to temporarily forget, forget about the other women by his side, but I couldn't help thinking about them at unguarded moments. I didn't speak, I just quietly nestled into his arms, buried my head in his chest, and yet my mind couldn't stop wondering: would his other women also sit like this in his arms? Various thoughts swirled in my heart, but my mouth softly recited: "My heart is not a stone, it cannot be turned. My heart is not a mat, it cannot be rolled up." As I recited, I stretched out my hand and intertwined my fingers with his, tightly clasping them together, and recited: "In life and death, we are bound together. Holding your hand, we will grow old together."
He was silent for a long time, let out a deep sigh, and then slowly whispered in my ear: "I will never forget you!"
It's not that I've never been in love before, but back then it was just 'remember when we were young, you loved to talk and I loved to laugh, sitting together under the peach tree, the wind rustling through the leaves and birds singing. I don't know how I fell asleep, but in my dreams, flowers bloomed and withered. Simple and carefree, our playful banter, but by the time we savored the bitterness, it was already over. But now, amidst my sweetness, there's always a hint of bitterness, and after laughter, there's melancholy, as well as endless worries.
Happy times always pass by quickly, and before I knew it, it's already the end of September. Mianmian returned to Mongolia with her mother a few days ago. And we will be heading back to Beijing in two days. Thinking about the high red walls of the Forbidden City, I'm even more reluctant to leave this vast land. I wish time could just stand still at this moment and not go back.
Ba Ge also felt my infinite longing, and specially took me horseback riding in all the places we had left footprints. From the sun's remaining rays to the dark night, with stars filling the sky. The September grassland was already very cold at midnight, he wrapped me tightly in his cloak and held me in his arms. I said I wanted to get off the horse and walk again.
He pulled the reins, got off the horse and helped me down. The two of us walked hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder. I had been hesitating for half a day, but still couldn't bring myself to speak up. But today, I must say it out loud - everything I've done over the past three months has been leading up to this moment, how could I not speak? I carefully and deliberately wove a web of emotions, just hoping to capture his heart. But how afraid I am that the final answer won't be what I want! After several moments of hesitation, I still couldn't bring myself to speak.
Ba Er Ge stopped in his tracks, lowered his head and gently looked at me, asking: "Ruo Xi, what do you want to say?" I lowered my head and remained silent for a while, he quietly waited, occasionally helping me wrap my cloak tighter. I took a deep breath, lowered my head and looked at the tip of my shoes, asking: "If I were to ask you to do something for me, would you agree?"
He tightened his grip on my hand and said softly, "Ruoxi, do you still need to ask me such a thing?" He paused, lifted my head with his hand, and gazed into my eyes, saying, "Whatever your wish, I will exert all my strength to make it happen." I turned my head, casting my gaze into the endless night. Indeed! You are the eighth prince of the Qing dynasty, now at the peak of power. There aren't many things you can't do for me in this world. But what I want...
I turned my head and stared at him, speaking slowly: "What if I asked you to give up the fight for that dragon throne?" The smile on his lips completely disappeared with my words. His deep black eyes showed three parts shock and three parts confusion. I stared tightly at his eyes, asking word by word: "Would you agree to this?"
His face was calm as water, with no emotion in his eyes, dark and indistinguishable. He just stared at me deeply, and I also opened my eyes wide to stare back at him firmly. After a while, he asked: "I don't think this has anything to do with our relationship." I looked at him, saying slowly word by word: "You agree! We'll be together. You disagree, we'll break up." After finishing, I felt that I had never said a sentence in my life that required so much effort from my whole body. Every word pierced my heart like a knife.
He looked at me incredulously, I looked back at him with utmost seriousness, I wasn't joking, every word was sincere. The hands we were holding turned cold. He suddenly dragged me and started walking, saying "You go back and rest well!" I used all my strength, refusing to move forward, dragging him along the way: "I'm serious. I'm sober."
He stopped in his tracks, his back to me, as still as a statue, his silhouette so desolate and sorrowful. I took two steps forward, wrapped my arms around him, and pressed my face against his back, saying: "These days, we've been so happy! In the future, we can be like this too! In spring, we can go to the suburbs to admire the flowers, in summer, we can take a boat ride on the lake, in autumn, we can gallop across the green grasslands, and in winter, we can sit by the stove and appreciate the snow while painting plum blossoms. We can read books and write poetry, I can sing songs for you, and I'm still very good at dancing, although this time I didn't have a chance to show you my moves - you'll definitely like my dance! I've always wanted to see all the sights of the Yangtze River and the Yellow River. We can go see the misty rain in Jiangnan, or the desolate beauty of the northern frontier. I'll also cook many dishes for you, although it's been many years since I last cooked, they're definitely still delicious - some dishes are so rare that even across the entire Qing dynasty, there might not be anyone else who knows how to make them except me! And I'll...
He interrupted me, turned his back to me and asked coldly: "These days you have been deliberate, right?" He turned around, looked at me and said: "Every song you sang, every word you said! It's all just for today!" I bit my lip, with tears in my eyes, pulled his arm and said: "But my heart to you is absolutely sincere!" He gazed at me coldly, without any reaction.
His icy gaze made me tremble with fear, and I grabbed his hand, pressing it to my chest, shouting: "You know! You know what's inside! You know!" He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and suddenly wrapped me in his arms, his voice filled with pain, asking: "Ruoxi, why? Why? I still remember the words you said back then, 'Why should our fate be decided by others, why can't we decide for ourselves?' Although I scolded you at the time, deep down, wasn't I thinking the same thing? Because of my mother's lowly status, I was never valued in the palace when I was young. But I've always been ambitious! I'm cautious and careful in everything, observing every word and expression. I treat people with humility and courtesy because I don't have the capital to be arrogant. The princes, the fourth prince, the ninth prince, and the tenth prince all have noble mothers and support from their maternal families outside the palace. The crown prince has Suo Ertu, my older brother has Mingzhu, the fourth prince has Long Keduo, but what do I have? I have nothing! I can only rely on myself! All these years, I've worked step by step, exhausting all my energy, just thinking that my fate is in my own hands. We're all princes, why can't I be like them? If he's truly talented and capable, I'd have no complaints, but in terms of talent and virtue, which aspect can he surpass me in? Just because his mother is the empress, loved by the emperor, does that mean he deserves all this from birth? The saying 'the capable shall prevail' - I refuse to accept it! Do you know how much effort I put in, from being ignored to earning respect? How much energy did I spend on getting the ninth prince, tenth prince, and fourteenth prince to follow me? Without any family support, I could only form alliances with court officials, and how much work did that take?"
He hadn't finished speaking, and I was already crying like rain! My heart was a thousand knives cutting me. He held my face, one hand gently wiping away my tears with his fingers, while saying: "Ruoxi! I want the throne, and I want you too!" I hugged him, unable to stop crying. It felt like all the sorrow of this life had gathered in this moment!
He held me tightly with one hand and gently stroked my back with the other, I had cried to the point where there were no more tears left to flow, but in my heart, it was a pain that could not be alleviated. The determination I had previously made had already been shattered into pieces, yet I knew I couldn't show weakness, I couldn't show weakness! If this dragged on any longer, even if I wanted to back out, it would be too late. For now, it's just a struggle between you and the Crown Prince, the Fourth Prince hasn't directly clashed with either of you, in fact, he's still secretly standing on your side, but in two more years, everything will be completely different. My heart understood this, but those resolute words couldn't be spoken anymore.
He silently hugged me, waiting for me to calm down slowly, pulled out the handkerchief from my body and wiped my face clean, and carried me onto the horse. When we arrived at the camp, he ignored the patrol soldiers' curious gaze and directly sent me to the front of my tent, saying softly: "Don't think wildly! Get a good rest!" I entered the tent, Yutan had already fallen asleep, I felt my way and lay down on the bed, how can I get a good rest?
―――――――――――――――――――
The wheels are rolling, taking me far away from the grasslands, day by day getting closer to the Forbidden City that I don't want to return to. Laughing in front of people, sorrowful behind their backs, this is probably my current reflection. Yu Tan, who shares a room and carriage with me, has also become extremely quiet due to my abnormal behavior. The two of us often sit in the horse-drawn carriage, not exchanging a single word for an entire day.
I deliberately avoided every opportunity to see Eighth Brother, and if I couldn't avoid it, I wouldn't look at him more than once. I need to think clearly about what to do next. I don't know if Eighth Brother also feels the need for some time to calm down, or if there are still many things waiting for him to decide in the Forbidden City, but he hasn't come looking for me either.
Ba Aguo is good to me, but it's just a man being good to a woman he still fancies within his capabilities. It's not the kind of goodness that would make him give up everything for her, and he's definitely not someone who loves beauty but not power. Power has become an integral part of his life, and he will never give it up. Now it seems he absolutely won't withdraw from the competition for the throne just because of my request. This path is no longer viable.
Can I help him deal with the Fourth Prince? These princes have been embroiled in a struggle for power since birth, and I'm afraid that when I was still playing with sand on the Gobi Desert, they were already thinking about how to get more attention from the emperor. They learned the art of ruling the country from a young age, and at any moment, they can apply what they have learned to practical struggles. My biggest worry from childhood to adulthood is just that my first boyfriend left me. The only book I know about strategy is "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu, which I haven't read! I don't know more than ten of the "Thirty-six Strategies", and I don't even like watching the TV series "Romance of the Three Kingdoms" because it has no romance, just a bunch of men fighting all day. The infighting in the office is nothing compared to this battle for the throne. In the four years I've been in the palace, I have made some progress, but compared to them, my little tricks are probably transparent to them at a glance. All I can rely on is Kangxi's favor towards me. If I had known I was going to travel back in time, I shouldn't have studied accounting in college, maybe enrolling in a military academy would be more practical now.
I know the Fourth Prince will ascend to the throne, but who can tell me what he has secretly arranged for this? What is his plan of action? Even in modern times, historians are still debating whether Kangxi passed the throne to Yongzheng or Yongzheng usurped it! As for the Eighth Prince's schemes, I don't know how many levels higher than mine they are. Why would he need me to come up with ideas? What kind of strategy could I possibly help the Eighth Prince use against the Fourth Prince? What do I understand about the intrigue in the imperial court? I told the Eighth Prince to beware of the Fourth Prince, because the Fourth Prince is the most powerful contender for the throne. How much help can that be? Does the Eighth Prince not have any guard against the Fourth Prince now? If I were to tell him that the Fourth Prince would obtain the throne, would he believe a woman's words? Would he think I'm crazy or a demon if I said my soul came from three hundred years later and knew future events? I've already been foolish once trying to win a man's heart; must I do it again like Bai Suzhen testing whether a so-called loving man can accept an outsider? Am I not afraid that he would have Fahai take me away?
Back and forth, front and back, thinking it over, I unexpectedly walked into a dead end, with no way to go forward. I covered my face with both hands and bowed down in pain. Yutan, sitting beside me, called out anxiously: "Sister!" Without changing my posture, I asked: "If you knew someone was going to die, and you wanted to save him, but he wouldn't listen to you, what would you do?" Yutan remained silent for a long time before calling out softly: "Sister!"
I hastily lifted my head and said to her, "Nothing! Just nonsense!" She tilted her head and thought for a moment, then asked, "How did you know he would die? Did you tell him he would die? Why didn't he listen?" It was pointless talking to her, I shook my head at her, and she immediately stopped asking questions.
