Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Tomorrow morning I'll be in Beijing. Last night, I asked Yutan to help me dress up carefully, and Yutan did her best to bring out my beauty. Curved eyebrows, eyes with a hint of sadness and emotion, sparkling eyes like autumn water rippling, smooth skin like jade, lips that seemed to smile but not quite. The girl in the mirror seemed to be mocking herself, "You still don't give up! How foolish!"

  Li Fu opened the door and saw me, then hastily bowed to let me in. Eighth Brother sat behind his desk, his face as smooth as jade, his eyes as clear as water, and we gazed at each other quietly for a moment. A warm and refined gentleman, with what hidden beneath the calm surface of the water, I couldn't see through, and secretly wondered, how could I possibly change the mind of such a man by relying on a romantic relationship? When did I become so childish? My rationality was completely clear, yet I still couldn't give up!

  He gazed at me for a long time, finally stood up, walked to my side, and hugged me: "Tomorrow I'll return to the capital! I will ask the Emperor to grant our marriage as soon as possible!" My hands wrapped around his waist, thinking that I would stay in his arms for a while longer, perhaps this was the last time.

  The two of us held each other quietly for a long time. I endured the heartache and pushed him away, his hands resting on my shoulders as he gazed at me calmly. I bit my lip, but didn't have the courage to look into his eyes again, so I turned my head down and asked, "If you can't agree to my request, then there's no need for you to ask the Emperor for a royal marriage, I won't agree to it!" His hands on my shoulders tightened, and he said warmly, "Once we have the imperial edict, how could you still be so reckless?" I turned back to look at him, smiled softly, and said, "Even if you get the imperial edict, if I don't want to marry, no one can force me! At worst, I'll shave my head and become a nun, or if that doesn't work, there's always the three-foot white silk!"

  His fingers dug into my shoulder, making me wince in pain. He chuckled softly and nodded repeatedly, his voice cold as he said, "So you're still a fiery woman! But I don't understand, why would you rather die than marry me?" I looked at him and replied gently, "I'm not unwilling to marry you, I just hope you won't fight for the throne." He said, "I don't see what that has to do with whether or not you'll marry me and my willingness to grant your request."

  I lowered my head in silence for a while, then looked up at him and asked: "The struggle for the throne is fraught with danger. If you win, you'll be on top of the world, but if you lose... even if you're lucky, you'll end up like Big Brother, imprisoned for life. And if you're not so lucky... if you die in the future, do you still want to fight for it?" He listened, then let go of my shoulder and slowly walked over to sit down beside me, his face calm and serene as he gazed ahead and said: "Victory or defeat, I'll accept either." His eyes turned to me, and he spoke softly: "But if you ask me to give up now, that's absolutely impossible. From a young age, I've studied hard and worked tirelessly for many years. It's not possible for me to give up now." He paused, then continued: "Don't even mention the fact that my chances of winning are higher than the Crown Prince's right now. Even if there was only a tiny chance of winning, I would still fight for it." His tone was gentle, but I completely understood that he would absolutely not give up, even if the cost was his own life.

  I asked weakly: "Why can't I be like the Fifth Brother? Isn't he also talented in literature? Doesn't he also have a wealth of knowledge?" He sat quietly, without responding.

  I bowed my head and made a courtesy, turned around to leave, he said behind me: "If I ascend the throne one day, I will let you be the empress. Are you willing to take this gamble with me?" I stopped in my tracks, without turning back, saying: "I don't want my fate to be controlled by others, but I have never thought of controlling others' fate either."

  As soon as he finished speaking, he said in a low voice: "Halt!" I stood still again, and he ordered from behind: "Turn around!" I turned around to face him. His expression was calm, but his eyes revealed sadness, my heart also ached, and I quickly looked away, not wanting to see his eyes again.

  He asked, "You would rather die than marry me, why can't you live and die with me?" I was shocked in my heart, indeed, why couldn't I live and die with him? My mind was momentarily confused, I had only been thinking about how to help him avoid that final outcome, I had never thought of choosing this way, not caring about life or death, not caring about honor or shame, just rushing to seize the fleeting happiness in front of me!

  He could only say: "I don't know! Let me think about it!" He sighed and said: "Then you'd better think carefully!"

  As I turned around and came out, I heard him say softly behind me: "If you're afraid, I won't blame you."

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  These past few days, I've been constantly asking myself 'why'. Why can't I be with him through thick and thin? It's currently the 48th year of Kangxi's reign. If misfortune cannot be avoided, he will pass away in the 4th year of Yongzheng's reign. If we decide to be together, there are still 16 years for us to spend together. Isn't true love about being together until death? Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai, Romeo and Juliet - didn't I used to sigh and shed tears over these touching tales of love? But now that it's my turn, I'm hesitating. Do I truly love him or not? Is it that I do love him but not enough? Or am I just trying to save him out of the accumulated feelings and sympathy for him over the years, without ever thinking about being with him through thick and thin? Or is it all of these reasons? I don't understand my own heart, nor can I distinguish my emotions.

  October in Beijing, a layer of autumn rain and a layer of coolness. I especially love this month's Beijing, the Forbidden City shrouded in misty rain, adding a touch of tenderness and elegance to its cold and hard appearance. Even though I know that after the fine rain passes, everything will remain the same, it's just an illusion. But this rare tenderness and elegance still makes me want to linger under the green bamboo umbrella.

  The sky is like life, misfortune and good fortune are unpredictable. Just now it was a light drizzle, but suddenly it's pouring rain. My small bamboo umbrella can't withstand the wind and rain, and my green skirt is already partially wet. I quickly run to the nearest corridor to take shelter from the rain. In the misty rain, I see that there are others taking shelter under the corridor as well. But when I get a clear look at who they are, I haven't even entered yet, but I've already started to regret it. If I had known they were here, I would have rather gotten soaked in the rain than come over. Now, however, I can no longer retreat.

  I didn't even have time to put away my umbrella, and I hastily placed it on the ground. First, I bowed my head in greeting: "Eighth Lady, good fortune! Tenth Lady, good fortune!" Tenth Lady turned her face away, ignoring me, while Eighth Lady gave a faint smile and said: "Get up!" I stood up, feeling indescribable emotions in my heart, only wanting to quickly retreat. Again, I bowed my head and said: "If the Ladies have no further instructions, I will take my leave!" Eighth Lady didn't say anything, but just stared at me. Since she didn't speak, I didn't dare move either.

  His whole body was being stared at by her, the clear 'thud thud' sound of footsteps came from the side of the house corridor, a crisp child's voice called out: "E Niang!" I slightly turned my head to look, a boy about five years old, disregarding the small eunuch chasing behind him, ran all the way and threw himself into Ba Fu Jun's arms. His eyebrows and eyes were 70-80% similar to those of Ba Er Ge, this should be Hong Wang! My heart tightened, unwilling to look again, I lowered my head.

  Ba Fu Jin half-embracing him, smiled and scolded: "Next time you can't run like this, if you fall, your Ama will be heartbroken again! Last time, because of being mischievous, taking advantage of the maids not paying attention, he himself knocked over the candle holder, splashing a few drops of wax oil on his hand, originally it wasn't serious, but your Ama punished all the servants in the house. The ones who were punished the most severely couldn't even get out of bed for three months."

  I crouched down, quietly listening to her words, and didn't expect such a scene to unfold so quickly! No matter how much I had anticipated beforehand, at this moment I still felt wronged. I was a calm and good person, why did I have to get entangled with them? If such things were performed every day, how could I live my life?

  Hongwang apparently didn't listen to her mother's words, leaning against the waist of Ba Fu Jin, sizing me up and shouting: "She looks like Auntie!" Shi Fu Jin said: "They are sisters, so they look alike!"

  Hong Wang suddenly broke free from Ba Fu's arms and kicked me, scolding: "You're all bad people who made my mother angry!"

  He kicked me right on the knee, and I covered my knee, looking at this face that was extremely similar to Ba Ge's. The three points of pain suddenly became nine! Eighth Fu Jin scolded in a low voice: "Hong Wang, what are you doing? Come back!" Tenth Fu Jin, however, looked at me with a hint of a smile.

  Hongwang ignored Yabaojun and looked at me, saying: "You bully my mother, I will bully you!" After finishing, he looked at me, seemingly thinking about kicking again! 'You'? Is this including my sister? What did they do to my sister? A surge of anger suddenly rose in my heart.

  Since tolerance can't dissolve conflicts, why bother with it? I suddenly stood up and took a few steps away from him, facing Bafangjun and saying: "It seems that Bafangjun doesn't have anything important to say, so I'll leave now!" Bafangjun obviously didn't expect me to dare stand up on my own without her permission, and even more surprising was that I stood upright, looking at her with level eyes, leaving her momentarily stunned.

  "Ah, sister! I've told you before, she's a savage with no manners! Her sister wouldn't dare to be less than proper in front of you, but this palace maid is so unbridled!" I glanced at her and turned to leave. Suddenly, Eighth Lady shouted: "Halt! Who allowed you to leave?"

  I turned back to look at her, with a hint of a smile on my lips: "As the saying goes, 'a country has its laws, and a palace has its rules.' Although my position is humble, I am also a person of the Qianqing Palace. If the mistress wants to punish me, she can directly tell Li Xiang that the servant has been disrespectful, and Li Xiang will handle it according to the rules. Does the mistress intend to mete out private punishment here?"

  The Eighth Lady and the Tenth Lady were both pale, unable to advance or retreat for a moment. The Eighth Lady looked at me with hatred in her eyes, I slightly raised my chin and stared back at her without giving an inch.

  The three of us were standing there stiffly, when the Eighth Princess and Tenth Princess suddenly stood up, their faces relaxing as they curtsied towards me: "Fourth Prince, congratulations!" Hong Wang also greeted him in a crisp voice. I hastily turned around to see the Fourth Prince entering from the corridor side under the escort of two eunuchs, although he was wearing a rain cloak and the eunuchs were holding umbrellas, but his inner collar was still slightly wet, apparently he had also come in to escape the sudden heavy rain. I too hurriedly bowed my head to greet him.

  The fourth prince's eyes swept lightly across our faces and said faintly, "Get up!" I bowed slightly and asked, "Your Highness, do you have any orders? If not, I will withdraw!" He glanced at the eighth lady and tenth lady, gazed out at the heavy rain outside the corridor, and calmly said, "Go!"

  I was about to leave, looking at the heavy rain in the sky, when I suddenly remembered that I hadn't taken my umbrella yet. I went back and picked up the umbrella from the ground. The few people there looked at me, and I only bowed slightly to Fourth Brother and said, "The servant has come back for the umbrella." After finishing speaking, I opened the umbrella and pondered Fourth Brother's thoughtful expression while preparing to go down the steps. Suddenly, I stopped in my tracks, turned sideways, and smiled at Eighth Sister-in-law, saying, "Why must you always use those who genuinely care about you to bully someone who is always reciting scriptures and wouldn't dare compete with you?" Glancing at Tenth Sister-in-law, who looked slightly stunned, I continued looking at Eighth Sister-in-law's resentful eyes and smiled, saying, "Is it interesting to hide behind others and pretend to be virtuous?" After finishing speaking, I turned around and walked calmly into the rainstorm. Feeling several gazes fixed on my back, I straightened my waist even more and walked with a carefree and elegant demeanor, as if strolling in the spring breeze of April. Even if I lost, I still had to maintain a beautiful posture.

  I trudge along, my feet treading in the rainwater on the ground. The air is thick with mist all around, and I am the only one left to struggle forward in this vast and desolate world. The patter of the raindrops is incessant, drumming against the umbrella, drumming against the ground, drumming against my heart. How can a small umbrella shield me from the sorrowful tears of heaven? Before long, more than half of my body is soaked through.

  Although I've been soaking in hot water for a long time to dispel the cold air, my nose is still a bit stuffy. Fortunately, I've taken good care of myself and my body has always been healthy, so there's no other discomfort.

  Wrapped in a quilt, leaning on the couch, staring blankly out of the window. The rain had stopped long ago, and the Osmanthus tree outside the window had lost many leaves after the rain. The raindrops hanging from the leaves were still dripping intermittently, as if they were tears of the leaves, mourning the departure of their companions.

  A figure flashed into the yard, I didn't have the spirit to care, and still leaned quietly against it. He saw that the window was wide open, so he walked to the front of the window, poked his head in, and took a look. Seeing me leaning on the couch, he hastily bowed his head and greeted: "Miss, good fortune!" I then listlessly withdrew my gaze, looked at him for a moment, and it was Xiao Shunzi who had come to deliver the necklace on New Year's Day. Turning away from my gaze, I said lightly: "Get up!" He saw me leaning against the couch without moving, so he could only lower his head and say: "I've brought something for you, miss!"

  I gazed at the osmanthus tree and said in a low voice, "Take it back! I don't lack anything." He looked at me with an embarrassed expression, saw that I wasn't paying attention to him, and took out a snuff bottle from his pocket. He placed it on the table by the window and said with his head lowered, "Miss, your words are a bit harsh, take some snuff and sniff it, sneeze a few times, and you'll feel refreshed!" After finishing speaking, he didn't wait for me to respond and immediately turned around and ran out of the courtyard.

  The night grew darker and I felt a bit chilly, so I pulled the quilt up to my chest, but I didn't feel like moving. Yutan came into the courtyard and saw that my window was wide open, so she hurried over and said, "Sister got rained on this morning, how come you still have the window open?" As she spoke, she closed it for me. I said, "Too lazy to get up and close it!"

  She lit the lamp on the table, picked up the snuff bottle on the table, looked at it for a few moments, and chuckled: "What a delicate thing! The little dog painted on it is so vivid and cute!" While speaking, she walked to the bedside. "Judging from the sound, you still have a stuffy nose. Sister has snuff, do you want to try some?" I shook my head slightly, and she quickly opened the lid, pulled out the hairpin on her head, picked up some snuff from inside and applied it to my finger. I brought it to my nose, and a pungent smell rushed straight to my forehead. I couldn't help but bend down and sneeze three or four times in a row.

  Suddenly, I really felt quite relieved! Laughing, "This thing is actually useful!" Took the snuff bottle to take a closer look, double-layered glass, inside painted three curly-haired dogs fighting, vivid and interesting, indeed has some meaning. Just as I was admiring it, suddenly remembered this morning's incident with Baifu Jin and Shifu Jin, took another close look, the painting changed its tone in an instant. It turned out to be two yellow-haired dogs bullying a white-haired dog together. The white-haired dog, although outnumbered, had a very relaxed and carefree attitude, while the two yellow-haired small dogs were anxious and irritated by being teased.

  I couldn't help but burst out laughing, this person actually compared us to dogs. I don't know if he was mocking our "dog-eat-dog" situation? I really don't know where he found such a fitting phrase. Normally expressionless and not talkative, who would have thought he could be so amusing. Cold humor! The more I think about it, the more interesting it becomes, unknowingly sweeping away the unpleasantness that had been pent up in my heart all afternoon.